Not Being Able To Say Goodbye

You know, people often say, saying goodbye is the hardest thing to do… but I honestly think, sometimes, it’s not being able to say goodbye.

When a loved one leaves you, most people, write them a letter of things they had wish they would have said to them when they were living.

When I lost a friend two years ago to cancer, what weighed the most on me, was not being able to say goodbye. By the time I went to visit her in the hospital, she was already gone. She had the machine breathing for her, but I knew she was gone. She never got to meet my God daughter. She never got to see Mike and I get married. And she never got to be my maid of honour.

I’ve reflected on this a lot. How funerals are for the living. To give them an opportunity to say goodbye to you. To grieve with those who loved you. I never realized how important it was as it has taken me a long time to let her go because I have so much to say to her.

Like any fool, I wrote her a love letter. Mine must have been 20 pages of what she was to me. I tried to read it to her by her bedside but I kept choking up with tears. I could write it… but I couldn’t read it.

It’s close to the anniversary of her death but not being able to say goodbye… that’s the hardest thing not saying goodbye. The person is gone. How do you rectify that?

My parents threw her a ceremony on my behalf as I’ve been very sad of late. And I can’t help but reflect it might be because I never got to say goodbye. I never got the closure I needed to let her go.

It still hurts. I miss her a lot. I’ll never forget her. God losing someone you love sucks. It just sucks. It sucks a lot.

Published by Pamela Vang

A first generation Canadian. Blogger. Lover of life. Sharer of experiences.

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